Sunday Morning Soliloquy - Musings of an Urbanite: January 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Cheap Ugly Bollo Ties


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Each morning when I wake up, reach for my Blackberry to check email & facebook. I then brush my teeth, make a pot of coffee and head to my computer. I log onto my Google Analytics first to see how my sites are doing. This morning, I was looking at the anayltics of my blog (the one you're reading) and I clicked on "KEYWORDS". This reveals the "keywords" that people use to find me in an organic search (I believe). Well, one person searched the phrase Cheap Ugly Bollo Ties and then navigated to this blog.

If you are the person who found me by Googling "Cheap Ugly Bollo Ties" please send me a note as I would like to buy you a steak from some sort of chain restaurant. I imagine Chilli's or perhaps that place where they have the blooming onion ring is your kind of place?

I am very proud that people are finding me and even more proud that they are finding me by way of Bollo Tie. I've spent a better part of my life admiring, studying and mocking the Bollo Tie, therefore, this is a true honor. Long live the Cheap Ugly Bollo Tie!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pharmacy Rant


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Just left the gym where I did my best to run, jump, punch and lift my '09 frustrations away but now I am Walgreens waiting for my anti anxiety prescription to be filled. I am sitting here watching the pharmacy assistant talk to his girlfriend on the phone and not fill my meds. I look over at aisle 12, cough remedies, glucose supplements, latex gloves, and all this stuff, colorful eye catching stuff just begging to be purchased.

The phone keeps ringing but pharmacy assistant is too lazy to pick it up. Terrible music on the Walgreens in-store radio, some stupid song "99 Reasons" followed by an in-store ad trying to convert me into an Aquafresh Whitening System user. I hate in-store radio. I hate fluorescent lighting.

What if I invented my own "in-store" experience for a pharmacy? I'd make it like an opium den. Comfortable seating, perhaps beds even, while you wait for your script to be filled. Instead of lab coats, lovely waitresses in scantily clad outfits would try to sell you Swiffer Wet Jets or One Touch Ultra. Maybe we can stick with the lab coat look but make them a little shorter with some white fish net thigh highs?

I know I look crazy sitting here; people keep starring at me because I have messy gym hair. Reading the news about the economy is finally starting to get me down - coupled with my own personal problems. I cannot believe the number of lay-offs that took place again this week, they say it has not been this bad since 1945. I can count 10 friends out of work off the top of my head. Then reading about the housing crisis, new home sales are anticipated to be down 78% in the first quarter in Chicago. I even read that toilet paper sales are down, toilet paper! People still need to wipe their asses, right? What do they do, use less? (Immediately my brain goes to the visual of someone sitting there contemplating how many fewer squares they can use to save money).

I just wonder when it will all end, when we'll return to the land of plentiful arrogance that I used to love and cherish. They say 2011, can I deal with that? I really didn’t anticipate it ever getting this bad but I don’t think any of us did. We’re so accustomed to feeling very safe and financially secure living in the US. Part of me wants to sell everything and live in Thailand until this all blows over, will employers forgive me for jumping ship for two years when I return to the States and look for work?

Focusing on the positive becomes increasingly more difficult but it is really the only option. I just keep reading various trade publications and the news in an effort to figure out where the growth is, there has to be growth in a down economy somewhere. I need to do some research and find out where the growth was from a historical perspective and then do my best to translate that into our current society. I am fairly certain that good things, great things, happen during the upswing coming out of a down economy.

Friday, January 9, 2009

It Only Gets Worse From Here!


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I woke up early this morning, worked from home a little, checked emails, read Ad Age, posted an item on my FB, etc., etc., and as I ready myself for heading to the office & gym, I turn on Oprah. The topic is SEX in the five part "your best life" series.

I'm going to vomit. Middle aged couples who are being taught how to have foreplay and how to use a vibrator. The Sex Expert asks the dorky women to "release their inner-vixen and "Learn how to let go of your negative feelings about sex." One woman, who does not enjoy sex, confessed that she has sex "quarterly, when I do my taxes."

It is so frustrating to watch, who are these people? I am barfing, they are telling these women to take POLE DANCING classes. No! Please no! This visual makes Pole Dancing disgusting for the rest of us! I don't want to see this middle aged, overweight woman on a pole, it reminds me of the episode of King of Queens when Carrie took the pole dancing class and sucked at it. It is so weird to watch these 40 year old women fearing that they are "sluts" if they "ask for what they want" from their husbands! There was one woman, 40+, who has never had an orgasm. Really? I'd shoot myself.

A sexless marriage is a fate worse than death as far as I am concerned.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Vaginas


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Most of my random thoughts and ideas come to me while I am at the gym, mostly while I am on the treadmill or the bike, my mind goes to a special place and the thoughts just start to pour. Not today, the thought for today came to me in the locker room of my gym. Today, I am going to write about vaginas and I will keep it short.

Approximately thirteen to fifteen years ago, women's vaginas had hair, or what is currently referenced as "The Renaissance Bush." In the early to mid '90s, women started to shave or wax their cooters, the shaving or waxing started modestly, a little clean up here and there with a razor and a trim with a clippers or a small scissors. Eventually, the movement graduated to what is now known as the "Landing Strip." As the shaved snizz revolution grew, the "Hitler Moustache" was born. Today, women are completely bare, bald, smooth.

Here are my thoughts on women who choose to go completely bare.... In my humble opinion, if you're 19 - 30, have a pretty pussy with a rock-solid body and a great tan, go for it. Shave it off, wax it off or laser it all off! Go bald! Give it all you got, it probably looks fantastic. But...If you're over 30, butt-white and chubby by all means, please realize that YOU LOOK LIKE A FAT BABY. A new born baby girl who has the fat rolls all over her body.

Let me repeat, ladies who are over 30, chubby and pale should keep some hair on their snatch. There is nothing attractive about a fat baby. There is no shame in going back to the Landing Strip of yesteryear. If you'd like further expert advice on your genitalia coif, may I suggest a nice, fuller (but short) "V" shape. This will give the hips a slimmer look all the while maintaining your slutty status of a shorn whore.

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Chanel Gun Shoe


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On January 1st, I spent a full 13 hours in bed watching TV and surfing the net, which is only three or four more hours than usual. But during this time, I came across something very important, relevant and necessary....THE CHANEL GUN SHOE.




I really want to get back to the basics of who I am here in this first blog of 2009, I am materialistic and I love shoes. Although I think there are other plenty of shoe makers that produce wild, out of control shoes: Louboutain, Gucci, Prada (more classic but still hot) and even Louis Vuitton, I have never been much of a Chanel girl because of how classic the shoes are...UNTIL THE CHANEL GUN SHOE!

How hot is this shoe? In 2009, I want a pair of Chanel Gun Shoes and a weekend gambling at The Belagio... I would be at the Craps table threatening people all night long, kicking up my leg and sticking my shoe in their face! I dare anyone to come near me while wearing these shoes, I will shoot them right in the face with my foot!